Waves crashing down

Grief is a funny thing. Like water, it can rush in.
My mate mentioned something about messages from his dad and suddenly I was almost in tears thinking about all the silly, informative, daft, annoying messages I used to get from my dad.

And I was at sea, no boat, no life raft, waiting to drown.

Knowing that an important life stage was gone and that I'd lost my most fervent supporter.

The person who, even when super angry with me, was absolutely in my corner.

Unconditionaly love is a gift that goes unnoticed until it's removed and even then you can't exactly put your finger on what's gone.

You get it from your mates, in a form.

The blessed get it from their partners, but somehow it has strings and implications too.

Is this why falling in love is so huge? You are opening doors, deliberately. You are knitting those links and yet, the fear remains somehow that you will be the lover only and not the loved.
That somehow there is a competition afoot and you could come out the loser.
It's hard to maintain equilibrium when in the shadows the whisper that it might not be reciprocal is running incessantly. It makes you nervous, it removes some of the joy, if you listen. But how seductive is that whisper?

I've always loved the sea, it's unpredictability... it's odd constancy in spite of its utter changeability and the fact that its governed by the moon. There's a higher power at work, with many phases, which seldom looks the same.

I will always miss my dad. It is a hole that can never be filled.
And maybe it never should be. If we can't be forever changed by something so huge, it'd be a poor state of affairs.

Getting ready to burn some bridges

It's not wise but really, if you're in on a Friday night coz your ire is too great and your energy to low for human company, it doesn't take google maps to show you the light about the path you're currently walking.

Or is it an impending big birthday that's leading to late night reflection on the giant scorecard of life?

The extra twenty pounds on my ass? My apparently broken continually chapped left elbow? Going cold turkey on the no fags? Oh the wallowing, the self-pity party, really, even I don't want an invitation

Which is how I know that something's got to give.

And it ain't gonna be me

Update:

Something did give. It was the mental barriers.
The universe provided, as it often does.
life is invariably more good than bad, if you just give it a go
Elbow's still chapped though.
#keepingitrealsies

Flashback to Feb' 2010

5th Feb was a Friday.

A day to dream through and ignore. Not that I hadn't been sleepwalking for months, probably since June '09. Stroke week, when for a few days I entirely ceased to exist. And when I came back I was ageless, my birth date reduced to yearless month, a blurred amalgam of myself.

This was my weekend. For me. About something else. I wasn't heading home to jump in the car and get on the A1 to the other home.
Guilt and joy, my twin companions. I ran.

To the station through rush hour commuters and Friday night revellers and headed to Kent, to an untarmac-ed lane and the company of buenos amigos, the oldest and bestest.
And the birthdayest.

With fish and chip. And Max the moo cow patterned cat and Molly the hoover of a labrador, despite her pedigree.
Giant White Company duvets to snuggle under.
Borrowed wellies and daytime drinking. Fresh air on my face and not the incessant mechanised drone of the oxygen converter.
Fabulous food in high camp surroundings, wearing an Eton tie as a belt.

And all against the background of the ticking of the clock.
Time isn't moveable. You don't get to choose. And I could feel it. Even from 4.5 hours away, the change was in the wind.

I had to get back to where my car was. The consequence was no longer hanging in the stars.

Monday 8th, we were drinking tea and talking inconsequentially when suddenly something in the usually Darth Vadar-esque background noise changed.
There was no disturbance in the force, like the day before when I somehow knew that the last grains of sand where in the offing. It was all sonic.
He had never opened his eyes that day. I don't know if he knew I was there.
And he never opened them again.

Keep it simple, stupid

Cause when I look around

I think this, this is good enough
And I try to laugh
At whatever life brings

Cause when I look down
I just miss all the good stuff
When I look up
I just trip over things

(thanks Ms Di Franco)

Derfing it up,

1) Do you think family should stick together no matter what, because, you know, family is family?
I reckon that most of the time that's what happens, but there is probably a finite limit (murder?)
The family you choose can be as important as the one you're born into and you tend to stick to that one like glue, in the face of all kinds of things. Or maybe that's just me. I'm blessed to have a variety of international families.


2) What fad did you partake in that is slightly embarrassing now?
I was a Brosette. Only in it's mildest form, but with Grolsch tops on my shoes and everything. Every single picture that we posed for on our first French Exchange we were in the three poses.

3) If you had to wallpaper your bedroom wall with someone's face, whose face would you choice.
My cat
No bigger love going on right now

4) If you were to write an autobiography, what would you call it?
"And nobody needs that"
5) If money and availability were no object, what artist would you like to own a painting by?
I would like a painting of some youths doing grafitti by a British artist living in Germany, Martha Parsey.
I would also quite like a Rodin sculpture, some Hockney giant montage photography and a Basquiat.
These will be in my imaginary loft, along with a rather wide comfy chaise longue, upon which my imaginary husband, Alexander Skarsgaard and I will recline, eating frozen yoghurt with kiwi fruit pieces.


6) What's your favorite veggie?
Mushrooms. Mange tout (NOT the same as snow peas). Broccolli. Spinach.
7) Buried or cremated? Do you want your ashes scattered someplace special?
I would like to go to organ donation and then to science.


8) What celebrity reminds you of your mother?
Erm, I'm not sure that any celebrity reminds me of my mother.
She would like Kylie Minogue (fellow breast cancer survivor) to play her in the TV movie of her life, if that counts for anything.


Peace out, people, hump day is almost amongst us.
And for the Mexicans amongst us, wooo hooo, Day off on Monday

Ah procrastination, it never gets old

Well, actually, it's been Methusala-esque for donkey's, but hey, I am not quite ready to let it go yet.
My deadline is zooming towards me like a brakeless freight train and still I'm fannying around here rather than knuckling down and doing the bare minimum necessary to survive.

But I'm about to head to the bed, for sitting and paper spreading purposes, rather than the desk of too short to fit my knees under.
It's all getting serious now.

Or time will tell on me...

Take THAT!

There will be NO resubmissions as I've passed the first two. Yip yip.
There's no cockiness afoot. more an overwhealming sense of relief that the huge amount of work undertaken has paid off. at least a little bit

1. What did you do in 2012 that you’d never done before?


Moved to live in Mexico
Worked full time as a teacher
Started work at 7am a lot
Ate cactus
Drank mezcal


2. Did anyone close to you give birth?


Aye few folks did
3. Did anyone close to you die?

Nope, thank goodness


4. What countries did you visit?

Mexico, UK, US (Florida). It was SLOW year.


5. What was your favorite TV program?

Cadena Tres - Infames. the shoe budget alone could keep a continent in fuel for years
6. What were your favorite films of the year?
Dunno, further reflection needed.


7. What was your biggest achievement of the year?

Shouting away merrily in Spanish all over Ciudad Juarez at new year and being understood at various bars and parties


8. What do you wish you’d done more of?
Going out, Spanish speaking, snogging, writing, again as always
9. What was the best thing you bought?
Plane ticket for Chris and Char's wedding

10. Where did most of your money go?
In my face

11. What did you get really excited about?
New Mexi experiences, Chris and Char's wedding, Oaxaca cheese, going to Juarez at Christmas, avocado and chipotle with everything, amigos and good times

12. What song will always remind you of 2012?
LMFAO - Bodyrockers coz the restaurant near the house plays it a million times a week.
Yo no se manana too.
17. Best restaurant meal of the year?
A thousand street tortas

18. What do you wish you'd done less of?
Lying in on sunny mornings.

19. What is one valuable lesson you learned in 2012?
There cannot be too much chipotle.

20. Who did you most tire hearing about in 2012?
the Olympics, One Direction and Justin Bieber

2013 already

Blimey, did I really go that many months without posting?  that's insane.
Well dear readers, here's hoping 2012 was a belter.

What  I regret in 2012:
I regret not exploring more of Mexico coz of my weekend class. I don't regret them, they were sound human beings, with  no concept of time keeping whatsoever, but hey, there we go.

I regret not having a Tardis so I could zip between continents and events at will.

I regret not speaking more espanol to my fine Mexifriends earlier in Year One of Mexican living, coz then I would have kick ass Spanish by now, instead of above average.

That's it. I ain't really big on the regrets.
I like the Angelou take on it.

So 2013 needs to be sin disculpas.

That is all.

Peace out.