its funny how everyone you see is

whatever it is that's going on in your life.
so when my dad got told his condition had turned chronic, everyone he saw was in those funny 'you can't walk hardly at all now' buggy thingies

and when my mum had her mastectomy and all her hair came off, i saw bald ladies everywhere
and when one of mates is pregnant, suddenly the tube is wholly populated by pregnant people (well, ladies at any rate).

And how when you've been told that ever having children might be difficult, everyone around you gives birth or is going to shortly. Or has done already.

And it's still lovely, but you feel like you've swallowed something that won't quite go down.

Even though you're pretty certain what you feel about the whole thing and aren't going to get your knickers in a twist about it at this stage, it still feels like sometime on Friday afternoon when a rather attractive definite silver fox was getting a view of you that only a seldom few do, you crossed a bridge, that, to paraphrase the song from Wicked, you didn't know you'd crossed until you'd crossed, if that isn't entirely circular, as sentences go.

i hate this trapped feeling .
i'd forgotten that i hate feeling trapped because nothing makes me feel trapped over much right now. the job's at best ok but there's leeway and i can always leave, my living situation is pretty open and nice, no one is relying on me at running anymore and in fact i've gradually become less reliable across the board. and i don't feel trapped by the boy coz i'm not particularly a conventional girlfriend although we are entirely having a relationship.
But now i feel like i might be stuck in a box marked childless and trapped by the potential repercussions.
evidently i might not and even more, it's not a decision (do i want offspring or not) that i was anywhere near tackling but now i'm not on my time schedule and it makes me feel like i swallowed an elephant with far too little water.

so it's back to focusing and aiming for fitness and weightloss and pain management and stress management and reduction of existing symptoms. Small steps.

that other business might need to go somewhere. Not under the bed becasue it's talking in it's sleep and keeping me awake. it might have to go to Tahiti. after all, those particular conversations are about likely dead babies if things ever got that far. so at the least polynesian sunshine should be present for contrast