Tuesday, April 24, 2007

a little bit of history repeating itself

in many senses

so a few years ago, my mum got breast cancer for the second time, right on the back of my gran dying of stomach cancer and it was instant transistion from 'we think we've found something' to 'mastectomy' and 'aggressive treatment.'
my coping mechanism is excessive sustained buoncy (beyonce?) in the face of excessive fear causing me to not sleep properly for prolonged periods. i also throw myself into other areas of life in a manic and obsessive style.
historically, this did NOT lead to particularly bright boy decisions. it was initially broadly fun and then not so fun and then bad, moving to very bad, moving to messing with my head, damaging my sense of self and leaving me with ISSUES that i never had before and indeed some rage that i only actually properly dealt with last year. Boy did i feel lighter. and much more together in the vein that i was together when i was 17 or 18, undiluted me, doing my me things with a 'if it harm none' bent, unimpacted by external coerxion for the largest point. i like that me.

and now for the history repeating itself part...
i am kinda sorta a bit seeing someone who i kinda sorta a bit saw about 15 months ago for a wee while and it has all the ingredients to make one of those life changey sort of things where you rescind kissing rights on the general populace and all of that jazz, kicking around in there.

but history tells me (and Einstein and other science bods too) that you can't take all the same ingredients and do the same thing and not expect to get the same dish...

and is my propensity for the whole thing as motivated by the fact that my dad is gradually suffocating and modern medicine seems broadly powerless to help, as it is by the fact that this is a hot and interest, cute and cheeky geezer who is a good person at core...

Or am i actually just someone with intimacy issues who over analyses?


no but seriously. i'm taking the que sera, sera approach. in between bouts of mass panic, elation, fear and not being able to really eat much.

although i did great poached eggs with asparagus and lemon butter yesterday.
it isn't exactly a pioneerwoman recipe but hey.

hmm. i might need to find an audience for this so i can receive comments


dodo said...

just so you know. i have read this. but am at work and unable to properly digest.

and I love you.

and see you later.

HerImperialMajesty said...

i decided now that i wrote that in a moment of euphoria, when i didnt' have enough to occupy my tiny mind.
thankfully it's now full again.