Wednesday, May 23, 2007

when i said i'd take it

i meant

As Is.

one of the first serious guys that i went out with was:

a bajillion years older than me (dont start on the creepy train of thought)
lived 200 miles away
was a big party sweets fan
would spend his last penny on going out
smoked like a chimney
loved rap at at time when i was a shoegazer
etc
etc
etc

and given that i was in school, drug free, fresh faced, non-smoking, relatively frugal, some folks looked at us in askance and said
doncha wish he was....
isn't she a bit...

but it worked just great for us.
coz i dated him coz i liked him. and that was the package
and vice versa.

sad indeed was the day many years later when i realised that in the later years, i'd started going out with my IDEA of people, instead of them.
you're on a hiding to disaster if you're seeing someone who doesn't actually exist outside of your tinted world view on 'em.
it's easily done. during the honeymoon period, we're all trying to be liked instinctively and playing to our crowd.

which is why i'm not toning it down so much any more
it might not be cool to unleash but people should know what they're getting into:

you can't hide behind social graces
so don't try to be all touchy feely
cuz you lie
in my face of all places
but I got no problem
with that really
what bugs me
is you believe what you're saying
what bothers me
is that you don't know how you feel
what scares me is that
while you're telling me stories
you actually believe that they are real
I get no illusions about you
guess what
I never did
when I said
when I said I'll take it
I meant
I meant as is
just give up
and admit you're as asshole
you would be in some good company
and I think you'd find that your friends would forgive you
or maybe I am just speaking for me
when I look around I think this, this is good enough
and I try to laugh at whatever life brings
cuz when I look down I just miss all the good stuff
and when I look up I just trip over things

what Ani Di Franco says.

2 comments:

dodo said...

but what if you don't always know? what if your sense of self guts and shadows like a flickering bulb?

HerImperialMajesty said...

all we can do is the best with what we know at the time, bearing in mind our own foibles and a tendancy towards fear and self loathing.

at the end of the day, in the dark, all that's left is you (or me, or whoever).
xx